FEAR

We don’t generally like to talk about fear, do we? So of course I am going to – because it is an essential part of being human, because it paralyses so many of us, because I’ve found better ways to live with it, over time and that’s made room for more joy, more peace and a much better life.

I grew up in a house full of fear – of big things going on in the world, of small things but mostly as being seen as less than or not worthy. And that, as it would for anyone, shaped me in many ways. It led to wearing masks and pretending to be the person who I was taught would be accepted and loved – except there is no such person, is there? Life will bring rejection, acceptance, love, hate and everything in between to all of us. So why do we let fear control us?

Asking myself that question saved my life, quite literally.

I wonder how many of us really know what exactly we are afraid of – do you? Maybe we don’t really need to know – maybe it’s just about seeing fear for what it is. It often is just trying to protect us, but in that process, it keeps us small, ordinary and contained. Fear has been used to control the masses for millenia, and the media has proudly continued to do that in many ways.

When deep in the process of healing from years and years of trauma, I started to imagine fear as a little old man named Howard. Howard is likely in his 80s or 90s, wears a patched plaid wool suit jacket and unmatched trousers which are too big for him now that he’s begun to shrink with age. He stuffs Kleenex and old notes in his pockets and holds on tightly to his scuffed up wooden cane, the brass rings around it tarnished with age, much like his hands. His voice shakes, though he can still be very loud and sharp and he likes very much to wag his finger in my face as he doom forecasts constantly for me and for our world. He tends to turn up the volume and stamp his feet when he thinks I’m not listening or worse, ignoring his advice.

Howard prefers to sit in my lap, and often ends up with his hands around my throat, making it hard to even breath.

So after many chats with him, assuring him that I do understand his concerns, that he is making himself heard and that I know he wants to protect me, Howard and I came to an agreement, years ago, that he could sit next to me on what appears to be an old NYC park bench, rather than so close that I feel suffocated. That felt much better straightaway, of course, and over time, Howard has morphed into a teddy bear, one with embroidery that tells stories. One who I can call friend, and one I can love in return. His voice in my head is much calmer now, and it’s easier to heed his warnings. Much better.

(And no, Howard was not initially a fan of me moving to “deepest darkest Africa”, as he likes to call it. That was a huge compromise, and one he has settled into.)

Fear, perhaps more than anything else, gets in the way of us living our lives as we want to. And it’s not going anywhere. So why not find a way to live with it? Why not see that it’s trying to protect you, just as an old man like Howard would? And why not befriend it? Imagine how our lives would change, how the world would change.

Just imagine.

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You can find my video chats on this and other things on my YouTube channel or on Tiktok and IG - @christacreating.

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